Is Turnabout Fair Play?

Slate recently published an advice column in which a wife explained that her husband won't bathe, yet he complains when she doesn't want to have sex with him. If you chose to read on, please read the wife's entire complaint, and the columnist's entire response, and ask your self if the two are reasonable.

Ready? Here it is.

My husband and I have been married for seven years. We started out very strong sexually, but over the past few years he has stopped bathing and brushing his teeth regularly. Nothing I say or do seems to compel him to wash. Sometimes he goes more than two weeks without bathing. He’s dirty (he works a manual labor job) and he smells awful. I don’t want to be in the same room as him, and the thought of kissing him or being intimate with him horrifies me. So we aren’t having sex and haven’t been in a while. I tell him that I can’t consider a physical relationship with him because of this, but he doesn’t believe me—he tells me that it’s my problem, that I lack confidence, or I don’t love him, or I’m not attracted to him. He is very angry a lot of the time and blames his attitude on me “withholding sex.” He sees a doctor regularly and is treated for mild anxiety, but nothing seems to get through to him about this. I want sex back in my life, but not with someone who is dirty and/or who is mean to me, and I’m not sure what to do.

Here’s the advice columnist’s response.

I just have to say it: gross. I’m sorry your husband is neglecting himself. At a certain point—this exact point—you may need to evaluate how much you’re willing to put up with. That’s up to you. You decide when enough is enough. You decide what you’re willing to tolerate. You decide how many days a person can go without showering and still share a bed with you. You decide how much misplaced blame you’re willing to shoulder. You decide how much of his anger you’ll allow him to take out on you. You decide at what point you sit him down and plainly tell him his hygiene habits are not only killing your sex life but also, it sounds like, threatening your marriage.

Like all adults, you have to make these decisions for yourself. Only you can say how much longer you’re willing to put up with your husband’s literally stinking attitude. Good luck.

Now, before reading on, please answer the following questions. Is it reasonable for a wife to expect her husband to make the daily effort necessary to smell good for her? 

Is it? 

Is it reasonable for a husband to refuse to make that daily effort, and still expect his wife to have enthusiastic sex with him?

Is it?  

Now let’s see how that shoe fits on the other foot.

My wife and I have been married for seven years. We started out very strong sexually, but over the past few years she has stopped watching what she eats and exercising regularly. Nothing I say or do seems to compel her to lose weight. Sometimes she downs a whole pint of ice cream in one sitting. She’s obese and she looks and feels awful. I don’t want to look at her, and the thought of kissing her or being intimate with her horrifies me. So we aren’t having sex and haven’t been in a while. I tell her that I can’t consider a physical relationship with her because of this, but she doesn’t believe me—she tells me that it’s my problem, that I lack confidence, or I don’t love her, or I’m not attracted to her. She is very angry a lot of the time and blames her attitude on me “withholding sex.” She sees a doctor regularly and is treated for mild anxiety, but nothing seems to get through to her about this. I want sex back in my life, but not with someone who is obese and/or who is mean to me, and I’m not sure what to do.

Now let’s place the advice columnist’s response on the other foot.

I just have to say it: gross. I’m sorry your wife is neglecting herself. At a certain point—this exact point—you may need to evaluate how much you’re willing to put up with. That’s up to you. You decide when enough is enough. You decide what you’re willing to tolerate. You decide how many years a person can stay obese and still share a bed with you. You decide how much misplaced blame you’re willing to shoulder. You decide how much of her anger you’ll allow her to take out on you. You decide at what point you sit her down and plainly tell her that her eating and lack of exercise habits are not only killing your sex life but also, it sounds like, threatening your marriage.

Like all adults, you have to make these decisions for yourself. Only you can say how much longer you’re willing to put up with your wife’s literally unhealthy attitude. Good luck.

Now, before reading on, please answer the following questions.  Is it reasonable for a wife to refuse to make the daily effort to look good for her husband, and still expect her husband to have enthusiastic sex with her?

Is it? 

Is it reasonable for a husband to expect his wife to make the daily effort necessary to look good for him?

Is it? If not; why not? 

Because maintaining a healthy weight requires more effort than bathing? Well, is the husband worth the effort? Because, if the wife won't make the effort, that's exactly what she's telling her husband, by her actions; that he's not worth the effort. What about the marriage? Is the marriage worth the effort?

Or, let me guess, you think that men's preference for slender women is a social construct; right? Men only like slender women because the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue told them to; right? If SI told men to be horny for fat chicks, they would be; right? 

Just like the only reason women like men who smell good is because Cosmo told them to; right, ladies? If Cosmo told you to feel horny at the stench of B.O., you would; right, ladies?

No? 

Huh. Funny how that works. 

By the way; you know what's a cultural construct? Daily bathing. The vast majority of people around the world don't bathe regularly, the way most Americans do. And, in fact, Americans haven't been in the habit of bathing daily for all that long. A Saturday night bath (to be clean for church) was the norm well into the 20th Century.  

Let's be honest. If you believe it's reasonable for a wife to complain about her husband's stink, but it's not reasonable for a husband to complain about his wife's obesity, your belief has nothing to do with reason, or logic. It's purely emotional. 

You believe a woman's revulsion to a malodorous man is legitimate because she's a woman. And you believe a man's revulsion to an obese woman is illegitimate because he's a man. 

We can't hurt a woman's fee-fees by telling her that losing weight would make her more sexually desirable to her husband, because she's a woman. But hurting a man's feelings is no problem; right? And if a man has to put up with an obese, bitchy wife, well then, he just needs to learn to love her the way she is; right? 

In short, you're a woman worshiper.